“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
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your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.