Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
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When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn