If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
You Might Also Like
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy