Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
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I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
God, I love Scotland
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.