Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
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At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Omg 🤣
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
you have three unread messages
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
At least he brought enough for everyone
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.