“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
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the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
inside you are two wolves
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please