Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
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There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.