FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
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I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey