I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
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how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Spring cleaning checklist…
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.