I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
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TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
some Old Testament wisdom
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.