[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
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a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
#FunnyLife Insects
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]