Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
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No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.