Boy never ceases to amaze me
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I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Generation gap…
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”