You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
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My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH