Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
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[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
#polloftheday
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.