The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
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*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Oh, I bet you would be
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.