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College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
i meant to share this earlier
Lol #dogsoftwitter
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”