The news is so predictable nowadays
You Might Also Like
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can