Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
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[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Potatoes were such a good idea
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
“and how does that make you feel?”
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I’m crying im so happy for them