Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
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[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?