My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
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My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
i will not be silenced
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
😂😂😂
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.