While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
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That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Lol
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
oh you wanna fight?!
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Blew my mind.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.