12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
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I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Cha-ching is my safe word
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.