My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
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Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.