Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
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The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.