My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
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Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
S/o to @funTweeters .
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?