I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
You Might Also Like
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
my lower back watching me try to live my life
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.