Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
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Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame