I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
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Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY