Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
You Might Also Like
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.