I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
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Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.