My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
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*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.