“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
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if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿