when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
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[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.