devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
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Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Many hands make light work
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”