If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
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Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.