Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
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Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.