cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
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Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Where is your GOD now????
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.