My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
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“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
What
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Usage Guidelines
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room