some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
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My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
What’s a Messi?
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
me and the Superbowl rn
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die