Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
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Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”