Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
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Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
✌🏽
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.