I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
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B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
this post was so formative to me
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
sistine chapel
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE