Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
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Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.