good morning
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Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.