butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
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I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
barbara was highly relatable
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes