Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
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Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Vodka burrito was a success
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new