I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
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Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”