Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
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Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?