Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
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“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Get off my horse you stupid moon
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.